E34 - 5 Series "MMOLE-KILLER Edition!

OK, so the "M" Mole-Killer  hasn't quite lived up to its trumpeted billing…  One observer, while objecting to the misleading guise that was being perpetrated in these chronicles, cited the demonstrated ineptitude of the vaunted "M" Mole-Killer, to actually finish off this virile varmint, and pointed out, that a more befitting title for this beleaguered "M" hybrid might be:

"M"  MOLE-ESTER Edition!  It Was A WAR!


An Innocent BMW 5-Series Sedan Gets Drafted Into "Active COMBAT Duty" !

CLICK  Photos Below For Full-Scale Battlefield  Images (Caution!  GRAPHIC Content !)

"M"  Mole-Killer Log:

Day 2 - 1:00 PM:  I'm on my 2nd day with trying to kill this basturd... I've probably used a half  tank of gas already... Trouble is, he was pretty entrenched before I started this operation, so my main trouble has been finding ALL of his tunnel push-outs, so that I can stuff plastic grocery bags in them to seal them...


Day 3 - 2:00 PM:  Today is Round 3, and I split the 2 exhaust hoses early this morning, so that I could pump fumes down a second, more recent group of holes, which seems to now have him on the run... I went outside after being inside for two hours, and he had pushed out of several large tunnels, just under the edge of the original blue tarp... I promptly cut up a big garbage bag (I'm out of grocery bags), and stuffed all of those new holes shut...I fear that his days are now numbered... I can sense it!


Day 3 - 11:00 PM:  The 535i "M" almost ran out of petrol this evening, while bravely serving on extermination duty, so while I took a platoon up to the corner, with a 5 gallon Jerry can, I first wheeled out the "top secret" doomsday weapon, a weapon of mass destruction that I knew might some day have to reluctantly be deployed, in the unthinkable event that the tide of battle was to indeed, take a grave turn:  A MASSIVE Toshiba "Ghetto Blaster": It's firing chamber LOADED with multiple rounds of  210 mm METALLICA CD's!  Now I figure that this'll show that lil' basturd that I MEAN BUSINESS!!!  I ain't giving up just yet... No Sirree... I've only begun to fight!  (Some of my friends have now started to refer to me as "Bill Murray"!)

Day 4 - 1:00 PM:  I think the exhaust fumes might have mutated this mole into "Super Mole"... When I pulled the tarp off the lawn, it became clear that I am not dealing with an ordinary varmint here...  Even my neighbor's cats, which have killed every living creature in my yard for the past 10 years, also seem to be ineffective, or scared, in waging battle against this vermin…  Pictures show the "battlefield", after I had removed the tarp yesterday evening... OMG!  One of the mounds (pictured w/brick as size reference) is probably 8" high, and looks like a mini volcano!  As one observer of this battle put it: "I think that "volcano" might have been left by a free roaming moose!"  I had also marked existing mounds with orange spray paint, when I removed the tarp, so that I could keep track of any new activity... Without admitting defeat, I guess I'll have to retreat to the local garden center tomorrow, and get me some "mole gel"...


Day 5 - 5:00 PM:  The spray paint markings showed that there had indeed, been some new activity overnight, so it now appears that "Plan B'" will have to be implemented.  The ladies at the garden center were so tickled with my story of this epic struggle, that they gave me a 10% discount on the "mole gel"!  Another employee there suggested that I drive two metal stakes into the ground, after soaking the area with water, and then hook a fully charged car battery up to the stakes, which would then, effectively fry his little ass… If this $30 "miracle mole gel" doesn't work, his idea definitely holds out some promise… And perhaps, some hope…


Day 6 - 8:00 PM:  With a threat of heavy rain looming the previous night, I put off baiting the little basturd's active den runways, until this evening, and have now injected the "mole gel" at 5 strategic locations.  To make sure that he'll be feeling "comfortably hungry", I also went ahead, and shut off both the Metallica-blaring boom box, and the "Stalag13" searchlight.  Upon coming inside, I'm horrified to learn that another huge batch of "mo-fo" T-storms, are in fact, heading in our direction yet again, after checking the weather radar!  Gasp! ("The horror… The horror…")  Apparently, I now have no choice, but to recover the "battlefield" area with the tarp that I'd just removed yesterday… This time, not for purposes of asphyxiating the little vermin, but rather now, as a desperate attempt to keep my little "buddy's" domicile dry for the duration of this "special" night, and more importantly, so that I can avoid wasting $30 of damn "mole gel"!   #@#&#!   A long-awaited "death watch" can now begin in earnest…

Day 7 - High Noon:  "I have seen the enemy, and he is mine!"   Yeah, RIGHT!  In my dreams!  I'm beginning to doubt the claims that were made on that "mole-gel" box… While on a forward scouting mission, on the outskirts of the enemy's camp, a sudden movement caused me to freeze in my tracks… DAMN!  THERE HE WAS!  His little pink nose was happily engaged in the task of pushing up a new mound of MY dirt!  WAIT!  I THINK HE'S SPOTTED ME!  I could swear that the little basturd was LAUGHING AT ME!  DAMN HIM!  I made a desperate lunge for the garage, where I grabbed the high-tech. hypodermic "mole-gel" applicator, which luckily, still held a few more dollops of this seemingly worthless blue goop.  Once I had my weapon fully-armed, I made a valiant rush toward his position, as I watched him make a hasty retreat back into the darkness, and safety of his lair.  It made no difference, as I injected several more blobs of this crap, into what were apparently now, his "active runways"…  Out of breath, I retreated to the elevated safety of the porch, where I would begin a vigilant watch over what was now, the tattered remains of my back yard…


Day 8 - 2:00 PM:  During a casual perusal of the perimeter of the mole's encampment, I detected a faint sign of some movement, an unidentified activity, which was apparently emanating from beneath the surface, and was causing fresh, pelletized chunks of topsoil, to form an insidious mound, which was steadily growing larger before my eyes!  Consumed by a torrent of uncontrollable rage, I grabbed for a nearby, stamped steel fence post, and using it as a makeshift spear, began to repeatedly thrust it into the earth, maybe a hundred times, all within a 5 foot radius of the previously  observed suspicious activity.  All was eerily silent… With my hands, now bleeding and blistered, I again retreated to the porch, unnerved, and needing to tend to my wounds…


Day 9 - 10:00 AM:  More fresh mounds… Only one dollop of "mole-crap" left…  After carefully scanning the destruction, for what I hope will be the most strategic point, in this newly-laid labyrinth of subterranean excavations, I inject the last blob of "mole-poop", er... goop...  Now, my only remaining hope, is to fervently pray…


Day 10 --> 15:  My prayers have thus far, gone unanswered (I shouldn't have stolen that hubcap from the Dodge Coronet that was parked in the church's lot during services when I was 16…), and my nerves are telling me some pretty weird things, probably due to a lack of sleep... I'm continually being awakened, finding myself gripped with fear, and in a clammy panic, thinking I'm hearing "digging" sounds…  I sure do hope that these last few days of R&R will be enough to prepare me for that one FINAL battle, which looms ahead.  As I meekly peer out of my window, the pinkish hues of dawn's first light, illuminate the growing destruction, which lies before me… This scene sickens me, and I'm forced to turn away, so I can desperately scan the western horizon, for any sign of a lumbering brown truck… I've patiently waited for days, for this vehicle of mercy to appear… It will be the one which will be carrying a long-awaited, internet requisitioned cargo of PAID REINFORCEMENTS! (VISA)  As the shimmering sun marches steadily upwards, through a sky painted with the fleeting remains of a misty morning haze, my pulse quickens, and I begin to sense, with delectable anticipation: THE APPROACHING KILL!!!

Day 16 - 4:00 PM:  THEY HAVE ARRIVED!  I eagerly signed for the incoming reinforcements, and told the UPS driver, that if these armaments didn't work, that I'd be taking him up on his earlier suggestion, and would show that damn varmint the "Hershey Highway", on outta' here!  But because some of your urgent dispatches were trumpeting news of unequivocal victories, which had been won on other fronts, and achieved with only minor casualties, I dutifully set about the task of immediately arming (hopefully, without hurting myself), the Class A, Type III, "Victor Mole Trap"!  I carefully began to assimilate the BIG PRINT instructions, that were emblazoned on the box, but when near finished, I found myself paralyzed; unable to move, or to speak: overwhelmed with emotions of supreme awe, and sheer reverence!  Upon reading the final word in that hallowed last paragraph, printed therein: "STEP 9:  Trap has fired.  Remove mole."  I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT I'VE  READ!  COULD IT POSSIBLY BE THIS SIMPLE, AFTER ALL?  I dunno… This mole has been a worthy adversary; he's not only survived, but his resolve actually seems to have been strengthened, by EVERYTHING that I've thrown at him, thus far… WILL THIS CONTRAPTION REALLY SUCCEED, AFTER EVERYTHING ELSE THAT I'VE TRIED HAS FAILED?  Stay tuned…

Day 20 - 4:00 PM: "Molitary" strategists from all over the nation have wired, telephoned, and e-mailed  their words of wisdom, and support (SEE: "Mole-Estations").  These newfound allies have succeeded in providing me with some much needed encouragement, as I remain mired in what now appears to be a veritable standoff, with an invisible, yet ruthless, adversary...  One of these experts even flew in from North Carolina, and after picking up his own 535i, made a personal appearance at "MoleCom" HQ, in hopes of being able to help end the standoff.  He was aghast at the level of destruction that was evident, and even offered to have his newly acquired 5 Series fitted with the vaunted "Mole-Killer" apparatus.  I was both honored, and grateful, for this sincere offer of assistance, but ultimately, I prudently declined, as I feared that the "Mole-Killer" equipment might put his pristine machine at risk.

Day 28 - 10:00 AM:  VICTORY?  If it is indeed a victory, it is one that is of the most hollow, and shallow varieties.  Two weeks have now past, the Victor mole traps stand, un-tripped, and empty; any sign of new activity has mysteriously ceased; birds sing again, and butterflies flit merrily about… Did this unknown enemy flee, undetected, under the cover of darkness?  Could the varmint finally have stumbled upon a dollop of decaying "Mole Gel", succumbing to its lethal ingredients?  Even though I might never know what caused this rather sudden return to a peaceful state, I'll forever be haunted by this bittersweet triumph, mourning the reality of not ever meeting this enemy, one who was both despised, and yet respected, simultaneously...  Closure has cruelly eluded me!  A simple memorial now stands, as a testament to an epic struggle, one hard-fought with grit, and bravado...


..2.   Discharge old fire extinguishers into some of his "Mo-ho's"  ?

..3.   Feed him "JuicyFruit"  gum (The UPS driver said it worked for him) ?

..4.   Feed him chocolate (A friend said he'd heard that this would get'im) ?

..5.   Use psychology:  Leave him alone & hope that he will leave ?


< Gruppe B   Home



"M"iscellaneous  MOLE-ESTATIONS! >




ALL Your Treasured Input Will Be Posted! CLICK HERE